Article from : Eat ME magazine > Table Manners

• Funny Aftertaste... On Table Manners
• The British pride themselves on good manners, but are you equipped for the stress of every food-based situation? Saul Wordsworth and his team of writers in India on how to navigate the world of culinary etiquette.
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  • 7th August 2010
  • 6:31 pm
  • 1 comment
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  My table manners are far from watertight. I slump in my seat, rest my elbows on the table and have a tendency to slurp my soup. Plus I move my face to my food not my food to my face. Thankfully I make up for all this by being astoundingly sparkling company.
  That’s the thing with table manners. If you’re fun to be around no one will give two figs if you don’t balance your fork at eight o’clock and your knife at four when pausing between mouthfuls. Just say something decidedly hilarious and it won’t matter one jot if your gob is full of beans at the time.
  Of course there are problems with this theory. Firstly not everyone can be a memorable dinner guest. Some people are crashing bores, telling lame jokes and expressing predictable opinions on everything from the death penalty (“Only for the murder of a policeman”) to marmite (“have you noticed people either love it or hate it?”). If you fall into this category your choices are to get more interesting or make sure your manners are up to scratch. If they’re not, people will notice and comment in private (“Did you see the way Charles picked his nose and ate it during pudding?”).
  Furthermore there are circumstances when, regardless of personal charm or weight of charisma, our ways at the table are still crucial.
  On a Date:
  Does the way we eat reflect the way we have sex? Maybe it does (messily, primly, slowly etc) but on a date, especially a first one, it is best to go by the book. This means letting the lady sit facing into the restaurant, waiting until both of you have your food before starting, and not doing a massive burp that reverberates through the structure of the building.
  As a man you may want to play the rebel/charisma card. This could mean anything from leaning on the table and flicking grapes into your mouth, to picking up your steak and devouring it like Henry VIII. This may work for some women, but be aware that a disproportionate number will be more interested in the superficial particulars of shoes, hair, nails, and table manners. You can always pour Bailey’s down her chest and lick it off during date three.
  The Business Lunch:
  The big boys are over from the States. There’s £3 million riding on the contract. You’re hoping to seal the deal over a lavish lunch at The Gaucho off Piccadilly. So don’t fuck it up by picking your teeth, nabbing the last hunk of bread or eating other people’s leftovers. Fellow diners, particularly if they are American, will take this badly. “I can’t deal with an asshole who spits food in my face and doesn’t excuse himself when he goes to the head,”they will say. “Let’s get the fuck outta here, Brad.”
  If you have tabular habits that are a little outré, just rein them in for a course or two. You can always go out later and enact all the stuff you wanted to do (fart, burp, wet yourself). Hold it together, man.
  Meeting the Queen:

  “You’ll never be invited to tea with the Queen if you eat like that,”

  my grandfather used to say to me.

  “But granddad,” I’d plead, “Uncle Myer licks his plate!” “Yes,” he’d say, “ and he’s never met the Queen.”

  Although I’ve yet to experience the pleasure of dining with royalty, it is a fact that minding your Ps and Qs is an area of the upmost importance. Picture for a second the cold stare you would receive from the Queen were you to use the wrong fork. Or the cough the butler would expel were you to go for your cucumber sandwich before the Queen. Doesn’t bare thinking about, does it?
  So there you have it. Being a good diner is not a bad default position. If you were the kind of person who was brought up in a house where no one used cutlery and you threw food into each other’s mouths, buy a book on table manners. If all else fails just remember to keep your head down – though not so far down as to be in your soup – be polite, and always pass the salt. Thank you.